August 9, 2021
Positivity helps me to recover. Here are some positive aspects to this day:
- A good nite's sleep
- Having a food plan for the day: b'fast: fruit protein smoothie w/ almond milk. lunch: spinach, tomato, carrots,salad with a fried egg on top, coffee & creamer. dinner: same as lunch with a cup of yogurt.
- 30 min on exercise bike + a 15 min. walk
- my mantra for the day: " good enough "
- recovery friend in Seattle, Holly
- recovery friend in MI, Dan
- Kegels
- Cancelling my plans to go to a writing group b/c I would have had to Rush.
- Face time with family in MA...makes me want to do a cartwheel!
- A plan to avoid the black hole of the internet tonight.
- cussin'
- appt. w. therapist 2 morrow
- 20 breath meditation
- ripping out some pages of the book Mindful Diet b/c it's too damn long and needs to focus more on "how to do it" rather than negative experiences from other people
- my beautiful, kind, adorable granddaughters and their amazing parents.
- Maude's birthday is Sept. 18
- Maude is like a goodwill ambassador to the world!
- cleaned part of my carpet which was a PIA but I'm doing it in small parts
- a dishwasher full of clean dishes.
- eating small amounts
August 10, 2021
Rolling along. 91 degrees outside.makes me feel bushwhacked ....
Walked up to the gym, got on the stationary bike for 5 min. that's all I could take. I walked back to the apt. slowly b/c it was so bloody hot. had a salad of garbanzo beans, spinach, prunes and must have eaten it too fast. Too much! I need to slow down and eat. Guzzled some Mango/Passion fruit and done for the day.
Checked the news - most of it bad. Cuomo resigned, that disgusting pig, for his sexual harrassement of young aides. He needs to come clean and admit he has a problem. Even his brother, Chris, told him to resign. He'll be gone in 14 days and hurray, New York will have its first female governor.
August 11, 2021
Heat advisory today......Staying inside...Thank god for air conditioning. So I am not hungry today...Just Mango Passion Fruit fruit so far and a mug of coffee. It's one now and I'm debating on what I should eat...I'll have some soup -- bouillon and veggies. I should eat. I don't think I can do the "water fast" b/c it makes me feel deprived.
Feeling relaxed after listening to the "Skillful Podcast" from San Francisco. Excellent episode on "Tip", calming the emotional mind, I also love "20 breaths" as laid out in the Mindful Diet book.Duke has a mindful meet-up and you have to register 15 min. before. I love self-soothing, burning incense and a candle, putting my hand over my heart. Comforting "GWEN".
I'm applying for a job and had to stop b/c I found listing my work as a school librarian where I was bullied unmercifully so stressful. The prin. even came in the school library one morning after I'd applied for Worker's Comp bc I injured my knee due to some fucking administrator using the library to store old rotting textbooks. There must have been a few thousand of them. This was strenuous but thank god for school janitors.
The prin. had ordered me to get rid of them. How about asking the jerk who put them there? I hate the way administrators abuse facilities and even teachers. So the prin. found out I was applying for worker's comp (I had put the forms on his desk, I guess), comes into the library one day, locks the door behind him, sits down and asks if I'm applying for WC. It was really intimating. Nothing ever happened to the forms on his desk. I still don't understand why a prin. would object to an employee taking Workers' Comp. Except that he thought it would make him look bad.
That job was the pits and I ended up leaving. Should have reported it to the board...maybe I still can. He would also keep me after school, control me, and one time he stood over me and shook his finger in my face saying "don't ever do that to me again." Do what? Want control over my workspace? I did "almost" tell the board about what happened but I feared retaliation. I hope this man is no longer in the school system. But I think HR moved him believe it or not, a job in HR!!! On top of the lousy work environment, I had an hour's drive to and from work. I wonder what happed to David Jones?
The good about today: relaxing, using DBT skills to deal with painful memories, listening to a mindful session. Loving myself for all I've accomplished.
August 12, 2021
Heat advisory today so I stayed inside...it's rough out there! I exercised inside: PT, stretching with Thera bands, light weights, step ups of 3 sets (yay me!), Kegels and for relaxation: 20 breaths, using the silent timer, limiting time on the net, ball roll ups...getting ready for appt w/ doc 2morrow, hopefully via teleconference...will need to call and set this up tomorrow morning around 8 am after I hear back from doc.
Good talk w/ Doug today, he does so much good for poetry in the community...he's sees his orthopedic doc tomorrow at Emerge (dr. is Silver). Offered to let Doug borrow my polar unit if dr. approves...he is being awfully brave but is understandably upset due to not getting meds by the doc. on Wed.
Food: protein yogurt, coffee, lunch was roasted veggies and avocado, dinner will be more veggies w/ avocado and tempeh. Cooking my first tempeh now. I'll have an apple after I eat and try to do a few sit-ups or abdominals...I need to do the ones I learned at duke as they are not as strenuous as the regular kind. Had a real good day today...will meditate before before bed and make a gratitude list.
gratitude for today: deep breaths, tidying up a bit but not stressing myself out, a cozy bed to jump in, turning off noise, exercising in the apt. b/c it's so hot outside, helping someone, praying for someone, taking care of me, healthy food
fun: watching the Behavior Panel rip Cuomo.
done
August 13, 2021
Another scorcher. Even MA is roasting. Bad idea to watch The Behavior Panel on Cuomo...kind of led to a descent into the black hole of the internet and over eating.
Get the measuring cups out!!!! Avoid tempeh!!! Tempeh is fermented and so hard on my digestive system.
10 good things
- Learning about Nantucket...it's the coolest place in MA today at 84 degrees
- Scrimshaw: see the article about nantucket and whalers.
- re-scheduled my doctor appt.
- headed for the gym this afternoon
- I realized I need to time off the internet.
- the heat will let up
- listening to Favre
- having great health care
- cuzin Andy
- Roanoke trip in my future
- showers!
- the Yale course...YES!
August 15, 2021. -- Sunday
Some great things about today: church, Franklin was driving home from the mountains after performing a wedding -- someone he had known since she was born; more or less resting today; trying to arrange a trip to see Chris; a wonderful talk w/ cuzin Andy. He is so jovial, and makes me laugh. I've started to open up to family a little more. God knows I need the support.
Also spoke w. Sofia about my descent into binge eating the other night. This illness is absolute hell. Grateful for bro, Andy, Erin, Ms. T and Sofia. We spoke about OA and DBT, very helpful...also grateful for my pal Holly in Seattle. We traded photos.
April 16, 2021 -- Monday
Some things I did right: stuck to my food plan, meditated, Erin came over which is always delightful, saw my neighbor Marisha, a poet and clinician, 15 min. of exercise, using imagery to relax (trees in our complex -- spiny greeks which I love); nice chat with mgr of complex.
Made an app to visit duke fitness tomorrow, soooo grateful for the access can so I don't have to hassle with getting gas. Erin drove me to DSW to get a refund on my shoes. Love that girl.
April 18, 2021
First -- some gratitude:
1. got to my OA mtg. this morning
2. Michelle Mossberger
3. Silver Sneakers
4. duke health and fitness
5. mindfullness
6. prayer
7. said good morning to God
8. Sharon Shofhi
9. Erin Payne
10. Great docs
11. Duke Health
12. Deep Breaths
13. friend Holley in Seattle
14. 20 breaths
15. the book f*ck anxiety
16. Improve: (image) Margot's artwork from age 3. (meaning) What my body means to me: my body is a temple; (prayer) God, grant me the courage to change the things I can. Amen; (relaxation) listened to a dharma talk for 30 min. (encouragement) keep going back; a day at a time; this too shall pass
17. I avoided the black hole of the internet
18. Emailed Sofia re; an appt. on Fri.
19. I was willing to be uncomfortable
Food for today
B: b'fast, steel cut oats, prunes, almond milk
L: lunch, big plate of mixed beans, hummus, oil and apple vinegar
D: dinner, same as lunch+immunization juice, protein bar, coffee, apple
August 22, 2021
Was just enjoying a relaxing Sunday afternoon watching the rain, listening to the wind until it all ended suddenly and the sun was out, shining brightly as ever. There is something so peaceful and soothing about a summer rain on a hot summer day and we've had a lot of the latter and so little of the former. There was even some distant thunder in the distance.
Got to church this morning via Zoom, which was marvelous. Picked up "Barefoot to Avalon" which I started several years ago and never finished. Fantastic conversation with Lee yesterday. She cracks me up! I must send her Carpool Karaoke with Paul McCartney. Last night we sang show tunes. Wow! Speaking of show tunes, last night I watched Oklahoma. What a vibrant slice of American history.
Chillin' today. Doubt if I'll make it to the gym today, unless I go tonight. Sofia will call shortly.
Stayed up till 3a.m. watching. the film and reading about it.
August 29, 2021
Thank God! August is almost over!!! Welcome to hell. Temps in the mid-90's. Longest stretch of a heat wave I've ever experienced. Just drains the body!!!
I started Zoom a few days ago...I'm hopping mad. Don' know why, maybe because I'm trying to change and off the 15 pounds that have been clinging to my body since I had my last knee replacement 4 years ago. That was kind of traumatizing.....I'm still mad about the mis-diagnosis. Probably just a waste of energy. And angry with myself for so many "mess-ups"....The extra pounds seemed GLUED to me. Very discouraged. I joined Noom several days ago. Mad as hell b/c I wanna change and I hate having a fat belly!!!! HATE IT!!
Time for some gratitude before I pop.
The Heron Clan group was really special today. Anne McAlaster was there and she has a way with poems about nature. I read some poems by Roberson Jeffers, one of my favorites. I want to flee, run away, probably the worst thing I could do. So I'll stay , stay and write more poetry.
I am grateful for what is NOT a problem. I don't have to use a walker. My ticker is good, my tests all checked out. I am determined. I have a whole heck of a lot of faith. Plus I'm a bad ass....Bad assery is a good thing. I have a great church. I don't have to put up with jerks and now I let one free. I don't have to put up with someone who is belligerant, so I let'er go. I re-discovered Oklahoma -- love it...should join a choir!!!! I have a great friend, Lee, up in New York...what a lovely soul.
I still have to log my last meal for the day on Noom...I'm following the Acronym: IMPROVE.
Image: Carmel; N.C. Wyeth's painting about the coming of autumn to Brandywine. The NC Museum of Art owns it.
What's good about today:
reading my book under the crepe myrtle tree, persevering, appreciating the "nature poets" like Anne McAlister and that guy from Kentucky, oh heck, what's his name?
September 3, 2021
Oh, hell, what an awful week!!!! My former friend harassed me & sent out another long email this week. It left me shaken. That makes the second one!!! Funny thing is, she's a professional psychologist, not mine, thank God. We both go to Overeaters Anonymous meetings and I met her 7 years ago in in Carrboro. I was doing well with the compulsive overeating then. I'd been maintaining about a 10 pound weight loss on my small frame, which felt great. I had a sponsor, emailed her my food regularly, went to meetings. Well, one night Steevie and I were chatting after the meeting that night. Sometimes we liked to eat in the small cafe across from the church. That was a nice meeting. I remember one night Steevie told me about a binge she had had with sugar, cookies, or something....I was kind of shocked and told her a story I'd read in the recovery book called "Compulsive Overeaters." There was a passage that referred to the body as a holy place, and why would you want to put junk food into "your temple."
I did not feel triggered by what Steevie had told me. I was strong in my recovery then. But I sure was puzzled by how being in OA, she could overeat like that.
Guess I should have considered that a red flag.
Fast forward a few years, and my knee replacement from 2 years before began to give me problems. Only the doctors office here, wouldn't see me....for about 2 months. When I finally got in I saw the PA who called this a "soft tissue injury," and told me I needed to apply cold and keep my leg up. There was pain also. God, what a terrible time!
Not long after, I went to a Writers' Conference. The next morning I felt pain and swelling in my left knee. Very unusual. I meditated for about 30 min and put my leg up on a pillow, and after a while, called my insurance company. They listened to my symptoms and suggested I go to the ER. Another writer took me over there as I couldn't drive due to the pain. When we got there, I cried and cried b/c I knew this would interfere with my plans to go to the Pilobolus workshop up in Connecticut. Damn!
The hospital was a short distance away, (in that town where the famous golf course is --- where the Masters are held. Beautiful little hospital. A doctor soon came in and I was hooked up to some stuff. EKG,maybe/. The doc came in and listened to my sad story. He thought I had a clot in my knee. Arrangements were made for me to have, let's see, what was it??? Can't remember.... A sonogram? Ultrasound? Someone had to come in from Raleigh and do it. I was told to rest the knee and use ice and elevation, no clot, thank goodness.
About 2 months later, I was able to see the doc, only I saw the PA. He diagnosed a stress injury and I had to rest and use ice, and elevate. I kept having pain, so I got over to the doc's office again. Same diagnosis. I was calling the office quite a bit, and was finally told, "don't call us."
Another month or so, I had a follow up appt with the doc (PA) -- I was still having pain, and he referred me for a blood test and lo and behold, turns out there was an infection in the damn implant. Finally saw the surgeon (At Last), and he scheduled surgery for 2 months out. He said I'd do great. Very reassuring. And I was glad to have 2 months to prepare. Only 2 WEEKS later, my knee turned red all the way down to my ankle. By then, I was hopping mad. Decided to transfer out to the Duke System and transferred to what is now Emerge.
That night, I got an email from Jamie, telling me they had located a surgeon who could operate in 3 or 4 days, and he wanted to talk to me. He was so understanding (Jiranek). So knowledgeable. I finally felt that someone was listening to me. And he did the surgery, a LONG operation, and I was placed on antibiotics. For about 6 weeks. LONG rehab, but it went well.
Unfortunately, my problem with overeating returned. Food became a comfort. To this day, I am afraid to do strenuous exercise, like sit-ups. and now I'm 15 pounds overweight and feel awful. Can't seems to lose any.
Left OA 2 or 3 years ago, then came back and chose a virtual meeting led by my old friend, Steevie. Found a therapist and realized that sure enough, I had the ED of over/binge eating....using food to cope. Actually, I started attending Steevie's meeting this year, during the second year of the Pandemic. At first, I enjoyed it...then they decided it was ok to mention food...after a while I dropped out as the meeting was very triggering. Steevie liked to call me out for one thing or another. She would ask me things like "how does that relate to the topic" and things like that. God, I was uncomfortable with that. And I hated the idea that it was ok to talk about food. I was the only one in the group, who didn't want to do that, however, and I stopped going to those meetings.
Attendance started dropping off and Steevie called me and told me she missed my presence. Can't remember how I responded to that.
Then Steevie sent out an email to the ENTIRE group. Saying she hoped they didn't have to close the group. Other people emailed back saying they hoped the group would continue. I think 2 people mentioned how they couldn't return for one reason or another. I decided to state how I felt about allowing food to be mentioned, and how awkward it felt to be "called out" by a group leader (didn't mention Steevie's name tho.)
That caused fallout between Steevie and me. She went ballistic, accusing me of all sorts of things: like being manipulative, for example. Or talking too much, but that was before I knew about the 3 min. time limit.
Steevie sent me 2 LONG emails...reading them was kind of like being beaten with a battering ram...A few days ago, the last one did trigger some overeating (protein bars....yuck).
So I feel awful and need to block Steevie so she won't EVER email me again. I'm back in the illness and need so BADLY to stop overeating. Today is a little better, thanks to my poetry group, and getting support from OA and church friends. So grateful for them!
Yep, I have the ED of overeating. Huge problem for me. Shorts don't fit, I'm grouchy b/c of all the caffeine I'm drinking. I feel clumsy. This WILL get better. I am confident!!!
September 18, 2021
AVOIDING JUDGEMENT
Mistakes happen. Judging oneself makes things worse. I once blew a gasket over brushing the side of my car at the banks drive thru. My son was with me. I lost my temper big time and let loose and string of expletives, not such good role modeling. Instead I could have stopped, looked at the damage, mistakes happen. Don;t blame myself or the bank but mention what happened to the mgr...maybe there WASN'T enough room for a car to pass thru.
Or, I've got a lot of organizing and cleaning to do. Rather than cussin' and complaining, I will acknowledge the situation and be gentle with myself while straightening. And not call myself a slob...my brother actually used that label earlier this year...Those remarks are hard to forget.
Best to observe: I need to clean the kitchen...start by putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher and go from there...
THE FOOD THING
God gave me a brain...I can plan!
Brunch: spinach soup and chicken broth, fruit
September 28, 2021
September is almost over...I can already relax and breathe easier. Went easy on the food today:
Brunch: 2 eggs scrambled w/ mushrooms, green tea
Dinner: stuffing using bone broth as the liquid, mushrooms, some golden raisins
fun stuff: went to our gym again for 30 min on ex. bike, took a 5 k walk, had 2 c. coffee w/ peppermint creamer --- yum!!!! I did sweat a lot today, which is a good thing.
Had an awesome PacSun meeting this morning. So glad I found that meeting. There was another East Coaster there, S. from Virginia...I hope to do my 10th step with her, maybe ask if she could be an OA buddy...also called Winnie in Ohio. I so enjoy outreach calls!
Here is my gratitude for September:
1. Holly
2. Lee
3. brother John
4. my "grand-girls"
5. Ted & Sharon
6. Having dinner at a cafe with my neighbor last night -- girls' night out. Fun!
7. Autumn's baptism on Sunday
8. Progress
9. A comfy bed.
10. I got out of my contract with Duke Fitness
11. Fine time at the Senior Center last week.
12. taking ODAT
13. Sofia
14. one thing at a time
15. I haven't fallen
16. possibility of duke course
17. not owning a car
18. talks w/ John
19. the Zondervan Bible dictionary on "clay"
20. taking a clay class
21. the tv in the gym works now.
22. getting out of my duke fitness contract
23. didn't overeat today
24. being flexible
25. the County library
26. forests
27. Falls Lake
28. Franklin
29. Holly
30. Duke Medicine
31. a comfortable bed
32. yummy dinner
33. kegals
34. physical therapists
35. Lamani
36. the boxer who lives up the lane (Sadie)
37. getting lots of exercise lately
38. Lyft
39. deep breaths
40. rain sounds at night
41. not getting covid
42. feeling protected
43. when Autumn mentioned how her dad would talk w her about Jesus.
44. beautiful falls lake
October 17, 2021
I hate this illness. I just wanna eat. But I'm not gonna.
Time for some gratitude. This time, 100 things.
1. autumn's baptism by the late
2. going back to sleep this morning
3. watched a really great documentary on chaplains during WW2, last night.
4. I haven't fallen
5. getting a massage tomorrow
6. listening to a book on Oswald Boelcke, ww1 flying ace
7. achy today so I'm resting
8. don't even feel like keyboarding
9.spoke w/ lee yesterday
10. massage tomorrow
11. got some stretches done
12. my bro
13. it's Sunday, so I don't have to work!
14. being retired
15. volunteering
16. finished the book on Boelcke and today is the 105th anniversary of his death
17. I have a new keyboard which should make typing easier!
18.
October 31.2021
Positive action: These OA recovery meetings can be SO NEGATIVE!!! I just need POSITIVITY!!! NEGATIVITY IS FUCKING TRIGGERING!!!
Solution: Mindfulness!!!!!
AVOID COFFEE AND ALCOHOL..,.
PLAN MY FOOD ---MAKE A MENU
JOIN THE RECOVERY GROUP!!!
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Jan 22, 2022
Thich Naht Hahn died yesterday. I watched a YouTube film of him from the early 80's at Berkeley that was so very touching. A memorial service will be held for him at 9 pm tonight at Plum Village. Thay was 95 when he passed.
Excellent meeting on "Chats in the Living Room" this morning!!!
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