Day one: writing to heal: write about your deepest trauma, how has it been affecting your life...April 24, 2018
I woke up on about the 22nd of january, 2017 in southern pines with a swollen knee and ankle, very unusual for me. called nurslingand told to get to emery room now//tearfully explained to the group of poets in the kitchen that i had to go to the emergency room and that i was going to duke; probably. not a good one near souther pines...calm voice said there is one nearby and its a good one...me: can u take me there...and he did needle goes in my are ...or did it...hard to remember now..anyway saw me vital signs on the screen to my wight... er doc comes in and want to screen me for log clot...holy sahib...not that...life flashed before my eyes called son, feeling scared so scared michael there to calm me down actually just his presence aimed me; too i have to get a test damn what was th name of it....it was a scan....strange how this was once so traumatic and now i can't remember the name of the dang test....oh yeah ultrasound....no clots found.....yay....out of there...back o waymouth...michael mcafee reading....there there...so comforting i wanted to cry...spokewith him after and said he rea it just for me...er doc thought i had a strained muscle fr. eh **** pt damn,,,what's her name...awful awful advised to take it easy..made appt with kelley but couldn't get one for two months double damn what to do appt made...emaild office about symptoms pain swelling and advised to ICE so i did for jan and feb...felt since in mar. working at crest and felt like i was going to faint and had to leave thatart class;....students so concerned sweet...did i talk to office...don't remember...i left early.
Day two: "really examine your thoughts; link trauma to other parts of my life; relationsships with family; how others view me; how i think about my past; how is the upheaval affecting my life in general; how may i have been responsible for some of the effects of the trauma." p. 35
the trauma happened in 2017. it stresses me out writing about it; until recently, i was concerned that the infection would happen again; after talking w ged hendershop that is unlikely; he said it would be likely to happened during the first six weeks after the surgery and that didn't happen...ted hendershop gave me reasons to call him; hight temperature, for example; shaking chills. other parts of my life; trauma from ruptured diverticula 1994 and diverticulitis and peritonitis ad them there was an -- another infection and they had to do more surgery six weeks later; family had dierticulitis; i became depressed after that 94 surgery; work group was hostile; glad i left that job.
sometimes i look at my med record and freak out a little bit; this last thing has been a real upheaval; turned out i had an INFECTION after being diagnosed with a soft tissue injury;;;WRONG
SO I WASTED LIKE 3 MONTHS LYING AROUND RESTING AND DOING THE RICE THING. so jamie screwed up; i had symptoms of infection pain redness swelling why didn't he suggest c reactive protein test earlier...so i got an email about an appt. at Kellys to come in and i thought it was about my RIGHT KNEE AS IT WAS TWO YEARS..AND JAMIE asked me how i was feeling and i had like level 6 or 7 pain, some swelling and pain and he said "what in the world is going on" and ordered a c reactive protein test which i got right away y;
call fro adrian who said they were surprised had to come in next day and see kelly and that was more fucked up advice. he scheduled surgery two months out but then the leg turned red kelly out of town reached out to other duke docs and jiranke stepped up and did surgery 4 days later.
i felt devastated my mis-diagnosive. why didn't i INSIST ON seeing kelly; could have gone in and demanded; would i have saved myself suffering; last year was the lost year bc of all this; i could have dealt better with it all but kind of turned to food...the whole thing led to a relapse of my BED which i am taking serious measures now to deal with...another sponsor, new program; planning meals.
Day three April 27, 2018
missed yesterday's writing; too busy..ah deep breath was upset by being stood up at the library yesterday and having a "flamer" who kept sending me emails.
for today:
Continue exploring deepest emotions, thought, feelings about the trauma. Focus on same feelings as before or shift to another trauma...important to focus on thoughts and feelings that are affecting my life right now. Don't repeat what you've written before.
how has the event shaped my life?
right...it's triggered an eating disorder...binge eating...seems like i "can't enough." Eating for comfort; eating for no reason...so i've got these 10 extra pounds to lose that i've had for the past 2 years. feeling nervous, anxious as i write this as it brings up the misdiagnosis and the invasiveness of the surgery. the rehab; being on anti-biotics -- it was all a very big deal. still angry at NC Orthopedics for wrong diagnosis, wasting time with the misdiagnosis; the horror of seeing my leg turn red 2 weeks after seeing dr. kelley ; his scheduling the surgery two months out and why he did that when the fluid was clearly infected mid June...memories of "what am i going to do now?" having to hustle to get ready for the surgery in four days; how this affected my family; feeling stressed writing about this. I felt disregarded and overlooked by nc orthopedics; "minimized;: Adrian said "don't call;" wait for surge ry; couldn't get an appt with Bolenesi (told i had to "go back to my original surgeon; feeling alone; sad; diminished; scared; feeling those feelings again writing about all this; i'm afraid i'll fall; fail; die; i get scared when i have pain like today. hurts when i put weigliht on my knee; afraid of getting sick in CT, on the way there; letting people down including myself; angry at myself for the past binge eating; not today tho...john agreed to let me email him my food plan but not every day; what to do what to do what to do what is the answer; how do i be brave and discip lined in the face of this anxiety: cursing a lot today bc of feeling "clogged" angry at weird paskintani guy who kept emailing me when i ask ed him not to...
just feeling really unformfortable ==all day...damn done
Day four and the last day....
to continue the writing. and yes, i am weary of it. it's been an uncomfortable process, but did it. i honestly felt a sense of relief after day 3. i just want to get through this and get it behind me. I was so tired yesterday that i couldn't write. tired today also and lots of concerns, friend mimi up in Va, now that i'm feeling better, i'd like to drive up and see mimi. morgan said she would take me. had a blast with her and rusty tonight on chicken bridge road having a picnic and listening to bluegrass music. beautiful spot that reminded me of the Black mountain college site. Lots of wonderful folks at the place, it was kind of like a "Carter Family Fold" place where you never meet a stranger. Met al mccandleuss who plays fiddle and sings...we knew a lot of the same people, john mccutcheon, for example. al did the pottery for our church, a pitcher and goblet for communion...
getting and keeping this trauma thing behind me is what i want. should i sue? dunno
trying to keep things present and positive. food intake's been less than desirable...i.e. still tending to eat too much. but abstinent today. there is hope.
re-took my 1st step and doing step 2. lucky to have ed listen and empathize. this is good...no judging. and no 2nd guessing.
knee a bit better today...this weather has been a factor in my arthritis pain, i believe. cold then warm, then repeating the pattern.
don't feel like writing anymore...done...need to think of being present, moving, cleaning and doing what's right in front of me...feeling no regrets over chloe or what i'm accomplishing...focusing on my accomplishments, making wise food choices. trying to be a good example. heading off to my warm cozy bed now with warm memories of the place, the people, and taking care of myself...wrote a poem called "How do i love me" a la browning's version. yeah, we all need to love ourselves. over and out -- good night good night.
Day two: "really examine your thoughts; link trauma to other parts of my life; relationsships with family; how others view me; how i think about my past; how is the upheaval affecting my life in general; how may i have been responsible for some of the effects of the trauma." p. 35
the trauma happened in 2017. it stresses me out writing about it; until recently, i was concerned that the infection would happen again; after talking w ged hendershop that is unlikely; he said it would be likely to happened during the first six weeks after the surgery and that didn't happen...ted hendershop gave me reasons to call him; hight temperature, for example; shaking chills. other parts of my life; trauma from ruptured diverticula 1994 and diverticulitis and peritonitis ad them there was an -- another infection and they had to do more surgery six weeks later; family had dierticulitis; i became depressed after that 94 surgery; work group was hostile; glad i left that job.
sometimes i look at my med record and freak out a little bit; this last thing has been a real upheaval; turned out i had an INFECTION after being diagnosed with a soft tissue injury;;;WRONG
SO I WASTED LIKE 3 MONTHS LYING AROUND RESTING AND DOING THE RICE THING. so jamie screwed up; i had symptoms of infection pain redness swelling why didn't he suggest c reactive protein test earlier...so i got an email about an appt. at Kellys to come in and i thought it was about my RIGHT KNEE AS IT WAS TWO YEARS..AND JAMIE asked me how i was feeling and i had like level 6 or 7 pain, some swelling and pain and he said "what in the world is going on" and ordered a c reactive protein test which i got right away y;
call fro adrian who said they were surprised had to come in next day and see kelly and that was more fucked up advice. he scheduled surgery two months out but then the leg turned red kelly out of town reached out to other duke docs and jiranke stepped up and did surgery 4 days later.
i felt devastated my mis-diagnosive. why didn't i INSIST ON seeing kelly; could have gone in and demanded; would i have saved myself suffering; last year was the lost year bc of all this; i could have dealt better with it all but kind of turned to food...the whole thing led to a relapse of my BED which i am taking serious measures now to deal with...another sponsor, new program; planning meals.
Day three April 27, 2018
missed yesterday's writing; too busy..ah deep breath was upset by being stood up at the library yesterday and having a "flamer" who kept sending me emails.
for today:
Continue exploring deepest emotions, thought, feelings about the trauma. Focus on same feelings as before or shift to another trauma...important to focus on thoughts and feelings that are affecting my life right now. Don't repeat what you've written before.
how has the event shaped my life?
right...it's triggered an eating disorder...binge eating...seems like i "can't enough." Eating for comfort; eating for no reason...so i've got these 10 extra pounds to lose that i've had for the past 2 years. feeling nervous, anxious as i write this as it brings up the misdiagnosis and the invasiveness of the surgery. the rehab; being on anti-biotics -- it was all a very big deal. still angry at NC Orthopedics for wrong diagnosis, wasting time with the misdiagnosis; the horror of seeing my leg turn red 2 weeks after seeing dr. kelley ; his scheduling the surgery two months out and why he did that when the fluid was clearly infected mid June...memories of "what am i going to do now?" having to hustle to get ready for the surgery in four days; how this affected my family; feeling stressed writing about this. I felt disregarded and overlooked by nc orthopedics; "minimized;: Adrian said "don't call;" wait for surge ry; couldn't get an appt with Bolenesi (told i had to "go back to my original surgeon; feeling alone; sad; diminished; scared; feeling those feelings again writing about all this; i'm afraid i'll fall; fail; die; i get scared when i have pain like today. hurts when i put weigliht on my knee; afraid of getting sick in CT, on the way there; letting people down including myself; angry at myself for the past binge eating; not today tho...john agreed to let me email him my food plan but not every day; what to do what to do what to do what is the answer; how do i be brave and discip lined in the face of this anxiety: cursing a lot today bc of feeling "clogged" angry at weird paskintani guy who kept emailing me when i ask ed him not to...
just feeling really unformfortable ==all day...damn done
Day four and the last day....
to continue the writing. and yes, i am weary of it. it's been an uncomfortable process, but did it. i honestly felt a sense of relief after day 3. i just want to get through this and get it behind me. I was so tired yesterday that i couldn't write. tired today also and lots of concerns, friend mimi up in Va, now that i'm feeling better, i'd like to drive up and see mimi. morgan said she would take me. had a blast with her and rusty tonight on chicken bridge road having a picnic and listening to bluegrass music. beautiful spot that reminded me of the Black mountain college site. Lots of wonderful folks at the place, it was kind of like a "Carter Family Fold" place where you never meet a stranger. Met al mccandleuss who plays fiddle and sings...we knew a lot of the same people, john mccutcheon, for example. al did the pottery for our church, a pitcher and goblet for communion...
getting and keeping this trauma thing behind me is what i want. should i sue? dunno
trying to keep things present and positive. food intake's been less than desirable...i.e. still tending to eat too much. but abstinent today. there is hope.
re-took my 1st step and doing step 2. lucky to have ed listen and empathize. this is good...no judging. and no 2nd guessing.
knee a bit better today...this weather has been a factor in my arthritis pain, i believe. cold then warm, then repeating the pattern.
don't feel like writing anymore...done...need to think of being present, moving, cleaning and doing what's right in front of me...feeling no regrets over chloe or what i'm accomplishing...focusing on my accomplishments, making wise food choices. trying to be a good example. heading off to my warm cozy bed now with warm memories of the place, the people, and taking care of myself...wrote a poem called "How do i love me" a la browning's version. yeah, we all need to love ourselves. over and out -- good night good night.
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